This week has been one of the toughest weeks of my life. That sounds dramatic, I know, but my spirit was so vexed and so confused that it tore my world apart. In my mind, everything was unraveling. Everything that I had learned and experienced in the last few months felt like it had been voided. Satan was yelling to me, “I told you you couldn’t trust them! I told you that you were being led this whole time by your own emotions and not the Spirit!” and I listened and wept, crying out to God that His voice would be louder and bring clarity and comfort. I was furious; angrier than I have been in a very long time. My heart was, and still is, grieving. The amount of pain is hard to even describe.
Jonathan’s sermon on Sunday was prophetic for me. I was in a place to either believe in and practice unconditional love to someone that I felt deserved none.
My flesh kept asking, “When does forgiveness and love turn into enabling sin & bad behavior?”, but when I really stopped to look at Scripture I realized that we are only commanded to forgive those who have wronged us and when our cloak is taken, to give our tunic also. All the rest is me trying to take control of what isn’t mine to own.
Throughout every thought and emotion God kept bringing this Scripture to mind:
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
So, if the battle was not against flesh and blood, I could choose to go into this war with my weapons of reason, intellect, justice and my own rights, or I could choose to enter the war without any weapon at all, but with Christ and His love seeking not war but peace. I could enter the battle with an attack that was sure to slay the one that hurt me or I could enter the battle with the goal of seeking truth, love and reconciliation and slay the true enemy. Ultimately, that is what I chose to do only by the power and grace of God.
I am pleased to be able to tell you that the outcome of that decision was blessed. I am still hurting and even still a bit confused, but God has given me a spirit of strength to move forward focusing on helping others heal rather than focusing on my own issues.
I am beginning to understand that His ways often defy all reason. God is teaching me that He is sovereign no matter what man does right or wrong, and I must trust Him in all things and worship Him out of my joys and in the midst of my sorrows.