Beauty in the Tension

I have really been struggling lately with anxiety. There isn’t one big thing that I am anxious about, just lots of little things that are adding up in my world. I go throughout my day continually feeling panic as if I have forgotten something or missed something important. There may be no rational reason for the panic but I feel it, over and over again. I started thinking about why I get in these states of anxiety and where they come from. I’m beginning to realize that they come, at least for me, when I am experiencing the tension before a change.

For those who know me, you know that I have never been one who enjoys the process of change. I can appreciate it after I have gone through it and see the outcome, but going through it terrifies me more than anything. Perhaps it’s because I over think everything, analyzing every possibility repetitively until I’ve exhausted myself. I am the opposite of carefree.

I feel like, for some reason, God is allowing me to remain in the tension that takes place before a change occurs. I believe He is teaching me to not only trust in Him for security, but also to do something that I don’t know I have ever truly done…be led by His Spirit. Don’t get me wrong. I have pursued God and His will, but I can’t say that I have made many everyday life decisions based off the Spirit’s leading. This may sound terrible for someone who is a Christ-follower, but when I really think about it I make most decisions based on whether I can justify them in my own mind, whether they are what I have always been taught, whether I have the approval of others, etc… I feel like if I was really making even smaller life decisions based on the leading of the Holy Spirit then I would not be so comfortable. I would definitely be giving up more than I am now. My “sacrifices” are only what I feel fit within my comfort level. God is changing me, and frankly, I’m scared of what He is going to ask of me.

In Shane Claiborne’s book, Irresistible Revolution, he mentions two men who were talking about their salvation experiences. The one man told the other that when he got saved everything came together and became right. The other man replied said that when Jesus came into his life, He completely tore his world apart and messed everything up. I have more or less always felt like the first man, and am now realizing that maybe that is because I was living out an “American Christianity” complete with stage productions and an easy-living, God doesn’t want you to suffer (i.e. God doesn’t want you to give up your luxuries) kind of thinking. I am now, for the first time ever, beginning to truly experience the sentiments of the second man. God is ripping my world apart and rearranging everything according to His priorities. It is scary but so needed.

I am excited to see what God does, and what is in store for the future. In that, I am finding beauty in the tension.