No Fear in Love

I have always been very transparent about my fear about...well...everything. I have always struggled with serious anxiety and although I had a long break from the daily experience, lately it has come back in full force. I have taken medicine for this anxiety in the past and it helped tremendously, but I've been battling the idea of taking it again. I don't have any problem with taking medicine for problems like this, especially when one has a chemical imbalance or biological issues which are difficult to overcome. My struggle is a personal one; one in which I am not sure if I am taking the easy way out with medicine and not trusting enough in God. Please don’t take me wrong; I am not an advocate for the notion that medicine is wrong and that your faith is what heals, but I just wonder sometimes if I personally do not trust in God enough.

During our last Expressions service, a mid-week service that my husband leads at our church, we went around and expressed our greatest fear. When it came to be my turn to share I couldn’t narrow it down to any one thing. I realized that I fear so much and that this fear has a great impact on my everyday life. Our church’s vision statement and overall motto is “Love God, Love People”. I started thinking about the verse in 1 John: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18) I began reflecting on how my fears keep me from fully loving God and others.

If Christ is for me, then who can be against me? If I am more than a conqueror than what have I to fear? The circumstances of my life do not warrant such outstanding fear, yet the simplest thing can cause me to experience anxiety that literally makes me ill. I can only look inwardly when I claim to diligently follow and know my Savior and yet experience very little peace. What or who is it that I am relying on to satisfy this need? What idol is in place in my life that I look to for the peace only promised by my Creator?

Lord, help me to seek You first. Help me to surrender my anxiety and the chaos I feel and allow you to carry my burdens. I pray that I do this and experience the simplicity of your Yoke and the lightness of Your burden.

Meaningless.

I feel as if I spend the majority of my days, weeks, months, years doing worthless tasks that have an empty purpose. I am stuck in an environment where being myself is not an option and I’m becoming numb to portraying the kind of fakeness that I loathe in others.

I find myself staring out of my office, passed rows of cubicles, through the outline of chairs and boxes and out of a lonely window where I can sometimes see the wind blowing the branches and leaves on the tree just outside of it.

I long to be free from this futility…to be climbing that tree rather than gazing at it through glass panes.

I feel the urge to cry, and yet find no tears to satisfy this inclination.

Answer me this...

If our battle is not against flesh and blood, why do we label each other as enemies?

(Ephesians 6:12)

If we are instructed by Christ to turn the other cheek & love those who persecute us, how is a righteous war possible?

(Matthew 5:38-41-44; Luke 27-36)

If love is keeping no record of wrong, why do we store the sins of others in our minds?

(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

When we judge the sins of others do we not make light of God’s kindness, patience, & tolerance?

(Romans 2:3-4)

When we ourselves are corrupt, how can we choose who deserves the forgiveness of God?

(Romans 2:1)

If we are to seek the will of the Father and He wills that no man should perish, should we not yearn for that also, making every attempt to show the character of Christ in our lives?

(Matthew 6: 9-10, 26:42; Mark 14:36; Luke 2:49, 11:2 [NKJV]; John 5:30, 8:28-29; 2 Peter 3:9)

Many times I do not understand the events in my life. It seems to come at me so fast that I can’t really process it until the decision has been made. Noah and I have really been striving to recognize and listen to the Spirit of God in our lives. We both realized that we had been limiting the Spirit’s work to salvation only and had never really acknowledged its role in leading and guiding our lives. Our journey hasn’t been the same ever since. We have been strengthened with new opportunities and challenges, and reminded regularly of pursuing obedience to the heart of Christ. This journey is difficult, scary, and absolutely beautiful. What I have found is that, in listening to the Spirit, situations, opportunities, and possibilities have presented themselves in ways that are hard to fully prepare for. I tend to be a bit of a control freak, so this has completely knocked me out of my comfort zone. I worry about everything that I can’t control, fully knowing that even what I think I can control is merely an illusion, and also fully knowing that if I could control anything at all it would be an utter disaster. Apparently what I know in my heart isn’t very good at convincing what I think in my head. God is bringing us through something wonderful and I’m not quite sure why. I don’t have great faith, great obedience, great self-control, great talent, or even great prayers. Maybe it’s my mediocrity that is appealing as anything done through me would obviously be from a great God and not of anything that I could produce. That’s beside the point really, as it doesn’t matter who, why, or how. For whatever reason, God is working and I am excited to be a part of it. It is a beautiful thing when you begin to see more of God and others and less of yourself. I pray that God will help me to continue on that path and not stray or wander into selfishness or pride. I pray that as God’s work is done that I will be humbled and He will be exalted.

Tension is a Passing Note

The following are lyrics from a Sixpence None the Richer song titled Tension is a Passing Note. The chorus of these lyrics fit exactly what my previous post, Beauty in the Tension, is referring to. God's process of bringing us to a beautiful place is painful and confusing, but there is nothing greater than having to learn to trust Him more.

do I murder when I forget you from afar
too drunk on the poison of endless roads and the countless smokey bars

but tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful chord

do I murder us putting pavement in my veins
shooting in special heroin for the seeking and displaced

but tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful chord